Apparently, a huge percentage of marriages in Kenya are based on cohabitation. It all starts like a joke that unfortunately ends with tears — for the woman. It begins with a sleep over where the woman puts her best foot forward; cooks tasty meals, wash and clean and generally keeps the house in good condition. This will impress the man, no doubt.
It has been alleged that most men hardly know what they want in a wife, and therefore any woman with average so-called ‘wife material’ credentials can trick such men to marry them. All she needs to do is behave well during formative years and before the man knows it, she sticks on him like glue forcing him to marry her. Unfortunately, they never fake it for too long before things get thick. Things always fall apart with the woman, ironically, calling an morning show FM radio host to whine — about how she no longer ‘feel’ or love her husband.
When a man ‘accidentally’ moves in with such a sly woman, she assumes the role of wife without his approval. And considering she cooks well, cleans and satiates his carnal appetite, he doesn’t mind the treat. It is always good while it lasts. Soon, hairbands, earrings, belts, underwear and a pair of shoes are always left behind. And when the man gets concerned, all he is told is; “ I can’t carry them in my bag, it will be heavy, I will pick them later”.
The next time the man checks, each of the items have extra pairs and his wardrobe begins to look pretty much like hers — with him encroaching! Next, she will wash his pair of jeans. Or Two. This is normally the point of no return. Washing hard jeans is the ultimate sacrifice. It shows the readiness for the bad times ahead. If you’re in doubt, ask any woman which task they dread most.
Technically, the man is inadvertently married. Statistically, the number of men who got married this way are enough to elect a president in Kenya. It’s always until one realises she is the wrong woman — and attempts to throw her out — when it downs on him that flushing her out is a herculean task.
Openly telling her you want her out is tantamount to opening the proverbial Pandora’s box. Cases have been reported of women living in a pseudo-marriages gone awry going crazy. Plasma TVs have been broken into smithereens. Car windscreens have been on the receiving end. Houses soaked in water.
Women know no more how to handle reality than men. With limited ways out of the quicksand, men always device means that might sound ingenious to men, actually very creative, but downright disrespectful to women. The end will justify the means either way.
However, the job has to be done, by all means necessary, anyway.
Andrew Mwaniki*, when faced with such a sticky situation, after desperately attempting to sleep at friends places, eating out and coming back home late in an attempt to get her smell the coffee yielded no fruits. He ran out of options and pulled a fast one her that evokes adjectives such as childish, immature, silly, stupid and inconsiderate. Actually, more mean adjectives would be apt. Mwaniki literally pissed her off! Tired of his clingy woman who he didn’t intend to marry, he decided to wet his bed. Like a child, he irrigated the bed and he was not even drunk. The following day, he woke up, took a shower and left for work. When she woke up, of course, thoroughly pissed off, she could not believe what she had witnessed, thus called him up.
“Hey, sweets, did you wet the bed last night?’ She inquired.
“Yeah, I did. Sorry, I could not wake you up to tell you…”
“But why!’ she exclaimed.
“Baby, it is hard, but it is a problem that I have and once it comes back it can go on for over a month.’ He managed to stammer, clearly apologetic.
She packed her things immediately and left.
You simply can’t make this one up. Some have labeled it genius, but the main question here is what if she chose to stay put and deal with it. For some men have tried to desperately chase a woman away only for her to be ready to withstand the hardships that the man puts her through.
Kamau Ngige, tired with a woman he had shortly known yet pushing him to commit, he used a trick akin to those ones of picking a villager to go and act as one’s parent once one was got suspended from high school. He looked for a man slightly older than him and plotted with him. The older man arrived one night uninvited — luggage in hand, and began acting like he was the owner of the house and had just arrived from safari.
His no-nonsense hireling strolled in the house and in a rather authoritative way began kicking a fuss. Next he dove to the bathroom where he goes as he issues ultimatums. Later he emerges from the washroom spitting fire asking rhetorical questions: “ Jeez, what’s going on here?” All this went on as he fished her undergarments from the bathroom throwing them out as he admonishes Ngige who in turn pretended to be very apologetic and remorseful.
Thick and thin
As Ngige was expelling the woman, he acted coyly and repentant of his sins. Meanwhile his ‘boss’ was like Juma Anderson of Papa Shirandula, acting so ticked off and just about to explode.
“I leave you to take care of my house and the only thing you can think of is housing a woman. What is wrong with young men of today? Who is she? Have you introduced her to any family member? Does she know that you don’t even work?” He thundered. He humiliated Ngige and the woman got strict instructions to pick her stuff and disappear.
Ngugi having been portrayed in bad light as a liar, poor and unreliable, his woman left.
Nicholas Bundi* once had a clingy girlfriend. She was so much into him, it was beginning to choke and suffocate him. Since they lived together, he tried all means possible, but she was willing to stay. Through the thick and thin, she stuck with him. Nicholas then had his Einstein moment.
To get rid of her, he called on one of his female friends and agreed that they will simulate sex as soon as she was due home. If she caught him red-handed, then she can get rid of herself. The plan worked well.
“As soon as she arrived home, we went to the matrimonial bed with my friend and we pretended to be making out”. Explains Nicholas.
She was furious. He gave her some half-hearted apology, hoping that she will throw her hands up and give up. After crying the entire night, she resolved to forgive him. His means had not achieving the desired goal. He played back to her, “I can never forgive myself for what I have done to you. I think we can be better apart than if we stayed together. I will hate myself. Things will never be the same,” Nicholas persuasively told her. She believed. And off she went, giving him the breather he was desperate for.